Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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