He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
