sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
