I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
