She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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