I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
