You're my little dorito
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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