my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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