She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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