True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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