my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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