i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
