first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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