when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the day after is always just damage control
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
