i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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