Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
