***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
