According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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