i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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