You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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