You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
