She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
