I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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