I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
