its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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