the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
