Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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