Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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