i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
