FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He felt like a one man threesome
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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