i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
