Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
