Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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