Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
