Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
