i can't believe i had my finger in that
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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