headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
