She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
