I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
