I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
