I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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