K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
