I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
