Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i think i have two assholes
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
