I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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