I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
