I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
