why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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