omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
