In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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